Newer Beginnings

It’s getting difficult to write

I don’t even know why I feel like this

What do know, though, is that I need to let it all pour out

Even if it feels dull now, my writings have given me a title

I’m still a nothing, but I’ve touched the lives around me

Again, no names, but I don’t know why I’ve treated you like this

You’ve been there for me when no one else was

Words cannot express my gratitude towards you

I’m still the one who suffers inside, regardless if you feel it

Or see the carnage; my mind is making me a savage

Will I devour the flesh after the razor equally portions it?

Is it too late?

Can it all be saved?

Am I destined to be a slave to an unproductive environment?

Enslaved is what I am, indeed

Loneliness what I feel, indeed

The pain is inside, I’m here, but no one is there to heal

Not even you, my sunlight

Why are things this way?

Why do we live this way?

Is my love destined to be a double-edged sword?

The ends puncture my soul twice

If my love is to be a double-edged sword, then this would be yet another time

The second time; I’m keeping count

I’m the poison in peoples’ lives

Everyone that I love, I push away as a projection of my insecurities

I’m not afraid to say what’s wrong with myself, unlike everyone else

That’s why I subconsciously left myself alone

But of this, I’m consciously aware

My late nights are interrupted by the voices

Deception even labels the themes of my dreams

I can’t stop the screams

Or so it seems

I’ve stood by and watched people turn their backs

People that I loved rejected me of hugs

I fell even when I thoughts I was above the drama

At times, I couldn’t speak with or see my mommy

But after dad left, we lived with mom’s mom

And mom’s daddy and brother, my uncle

I now lived with my grandparents for a while

And as a child, watched them slowly pass away

To this day, I pray for a better way

So now, I continue to write

I keep writing until my sight orders from the menu of ink I bite

My pen was my only friend, and still is

I remember being poor as kids, but we always managed to get by

We managed to eat because our hopes were to the sky

Mom did her best to keep us fed, so it hurt when food was thrown

She chose to do this on her own; we cried when we were shut down

Smiles were forced upside down, but life would soon turn around

Better days would come

Money was always a trap, but drugs were never slung

Mom would place bruises on my flesh, so the government became involved

The problem was never solved

It was only prolonged

All I ever wanted was love and peace and to get along

With my family and peers while trying to stay strong

But all I ever managed to do was lose count of the tears

Forever was I wrong – the future was unclear

It would be without mom for a while

Mommy and dad were gone, but replaced by new

The news was anew family, fostered with care

I gradually grew wiser as length subjected my hair

A new life

Second grade in a new school with new rules

A chance to meet new people, but I only met new lustful fools

Nothing was new

Still received hatred from a false crew

Who are you?

I’ve dated my fate for a few years

What else was there to do?

Two years after a new year, a new home with old fears

Dad fought to take custody of his kids

His newwife, nice at first, but so too would hit

Not too often, but often out of angered fits

Now the paranoia never quits

My patience runs dry

My treasures are laid out beyond the skies, but lived in someone else’s lies

To a mother on steps, I said what was felt

I said what I meant, but dad again left me to myself

He is a womanizer and no matter what, sides with his wife

He failed to realize that I, his son, was a purpose in his life

Dad once said that he didn’t care what I felt

Then he said he was my best friend and was always there to help

Best friend?

No friend

Please leave me alone

When I gave you a chance to hear, you hung up your phone

Not literally, but still as a stone when engaged in communication

Ever since, no one understood that hurt that I was facing

It has me pacing and tracing the thoughts that I think

At a cluster of blinks, I begin to forgive and then sink

Dad, I love you and am forever appreciative for what you’ve done

Even after you placed a wicked woman over your kids

You will NEVERunderstand me because I’ve closed all of my doors

You can try, but my connection with you is no more

And for my step mom, I forgive

I don’t call it a grudge, just a memoir for as long as I live

In “your” house, it was a matter of respect

Knowledge is what I will always collect

You demand this respect, but refuse to give at times

I don’t care who you are, I promise to get mine

You can threaten to kick me out of the house, like you did my brother

I’ll leave this hole and prove that there is no other

Person like me, so I promise you will see

You’re a shallow-minded beast and need to find your way

And for all of the people that have left my side

I hope that you acquire eternal joy

I hope that you never feel what I’ve felt

My heart is broken and I’m picking up the pieces

When I do, I’ll smile again

I’ll regain the trust and again call you a friend

This is another dedication to all of the people of my past

I will be happy, but again will it get worse

The hurt won’t last in a hearse

It’ll again get better

And even if the rain gets me wetter…

I still forgive and love you…

Even after this letter.


23 comments on “Newer Beginnings

  1. wow. I wish I could write like that. Thank you for pouring out your heart in written word.

  2. Oh my word, what a lot of pain, tears in floods and torrents and underneath it I did find hope forgiveness and kindness. A very powerful piece.

    ( I did note a couple of teeny typos – third line has a word missing (i)
    fell even when I thoughts I was above the drama – I think it should be thought. – there was another little nit but I can’t find it now. (hope you don’t mind me mentioning it – I know how hard it is to edit when you are so close to the writing)

  3. What a special release. How did that feel?
    Healing, hopefully. I felt the emotion pour out of you, so raw.
    *typos add character

    • It definitely lifted a burden. Unfortunately, at the time that I wrote it, I felt lower than low and seemed that even writing couldn’t heal me. This poem was a direct transfer from my notebook, so I kept the typos even after I proofread to depict my humanly qualities.

  4. Wow this really hit my emotions. I hope you felt better after pouring your heart out. Beautiful writing!

  5. it’s like that you help me to take out what inside me that i cant speak up 🙂 thanks to write this, I do feel the same way you do recently.

  6. Beautiful. It’s amazing how you are able to forgive after such a betrayal. Truly inspiring. Forgiveness is definitely a life long process. You should enter a poetry contest, if you haven’t already.

    But before I go, let me just say that you deserve much better than how they treated you. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. A beautiful soul I feel right there!!!!!

  8. This is exactly what writing is about – spilling it out like a pale of water, without thinking, if the carpet will get wet. The heart needs to be screamed out and this is exactly what you did.
    Delicious pain.

  9. If someone is to be felt sorry for…..its them….for it sure isn’t you. Proud of YOU.

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